Withdrawal is a Bitch

Nov 14, 2017, 10:22 PM

Last night, as I slept, Sam spent the night downstairs on couch withdrawing from heroin again. One of his closest friends slept on the love seat next to the couch. (Thank you beautiful Niki for sleeping on the "little couch". I am glad you are so tiny). I stayed upstairs because there was nothing I could do for him other than provide him a couch and a blanket.

God Damn heroin. It won another battle but it is not going to win this war. It is not going to kill my boy. I have to hold onto hope, that is all I have. I don't have reason, logic, or time on my side, all I have is hope. I am in shock even though I could see it coming. For a few days, I believed we had caught this relapse before he was back to heroin but I was wrong. Once again, what tiny bit of equilibrium we had established is gone. This is heroin addiction. Just like that, we are back into the chaos of full blown relapse.

Sam called me late last night and told me he has been using heroin for a month now. He even found someone who delivers. It started with smoking pot a couple of times. That is all it took. As I said, Sam cannot have a beer or smoke a joint or take cough medicine. It always leads straight back to heroin. Needless to say, our whole family is crushed by the news. He is embarrassed and scared. He knows it will kill him if he doesn't stop. It was a very difficult night for him. He could have hopped the light rail into the city and found more dope but he chose to withdrawal instead. I am proud of him for making that choice.

We are devastated and his girlfriend is mad as hell, but he chose to face us all instead of bailing this time. This is progress that I am grateful for. Quitting heroin is uncomfortable as hell and the addict has to be highly motivated to get through it. The question is whether Sam will hang on to the desire he has today. Right now, as they say in 12 step, he is sick and tired of being sick and tired. These next hours, days, and weeks are crucial for his survival.

When Sam called last night, I heard an unfamiliar vulnerability in him. I believe he even may have even quietly cried a bit. When he got here I hugged him for a long time. I could tell how much he needed to know that I was there for him. I haven't seen him like that in years. He is so overwhelmed with shame and is crushed to have hurt and disappointed so many people again. I don't think he remembers his overdose much and he is forced to come to terms with it all now.

That night was not a fluke. It was and still is his destiny if he doesn't stop heroin. He will overdose gain and If he is lucky, he will be found in time again. The cycle will continue until one day he is not found in time. As I told him, if heroin was easy to quit so many people would not be dying from it. It is a bitch. I also told him I will never give up and he can never give up either. I will always be here for him. He cannot live with me (unless he is sober). I will feed him but I will not give him money. I will not put up with his heroin infected bullshit and lies but I love him and will never give up on him. He has so many people fighting for him.

Tonight I am grateful that I can write and don't have to talk. This has obviously been a tremendous set back and has been very difficult on many levels. I always need space when things go dark so I subbed out a few of my classes and stayed home with my dog the past couple of days. Just trying to breathe. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Where there is life, there is hope. Love you. #nomoreshame