Why Can't My High be His High?

Jun 14, 2018, 10:34 AM

I haven't seen or heard from Sam since Monday night. He texted his brother Tuesday night. That is the last any of us have heard from him. We have no idea where he is but aren't looking for him this time. I am done with that, although it has crossed my mind about a million times, I don't know what I would do if I found him. I have nothing but love, encouragement, ideas, and an occasional meal to offer him.

I have done everything in my power to help Sam since I realized he was an addict at 15 1/2 years old. Three and a half years of insanity and two of those, Heroin. Some people have said I am strong butt they have no idea how weak I am. My "strength" is born out of necessity only.

I have no other choice but to breathe, pay the bills, and try to be a mom. I would rather run. Literally. Run away from this bullshit, from heroin, from Sam's addiction, from the debt it's caused both financially and in terms of time from the other kids. The thing I want to run from most, however, is all the things I did wrong as a parent. These things likely didn't "cause" Sam's addiction but certainly didn't help. I find this regret quite haunting but I don't have time to dwell on it. Fortunately I have other children and other people I love who rely on me, a mortgage, and a job that I love. Unfortunately, all of the above also means I can't escape. A blessing and a curse.

I wish my boy would realize how much we love him and how much we need him. We are a family of six. As usual, I have been texting "light bulb moments" for "him to have". I told him how great my younger life as a hanggliding junkie was. Exciting, dangerous, intense, and fun, everything he perceives sticking a needle into his arm to be. I told him how the high lasts for hours and days and even years. There are flights I still relive to this day, and I haven't flown in over 16 years! He needs to try it, it could change his life as it changed mine.

I talked about surfing and running and mountain biking and yoga. All the things that have and continue to make me high. I understand him because in many ways, I am him. I just express it differently and I also naturally have a huge amount of energy to draw from, thanks to the genes of my parents who I rarely remember sitting, unless they were doing something really smart, like reading or solving crossword puzzles. Sam, on the other hand, generally has lower energy. I think this makes him more prone to drugs like heroin.

This picture was during Sam's brief stint of sobriety, the last picture I took of him and his younger brother. If our love could save him, it would. God knows there is so so much of it.

Where there is life, there is hope. And as I write this, I hope there is life. Fuck heroin. # nomoreshame #iwillleavethelighton