This is Heroin

Apr 9, 2017, 8:22 AM

Good morning. Sam read my posts for the first time yesterday at the airport. This picture was taken March 6, 2017 after his first attempt to overdose. It was a much less successful attempt than last Friday night. He had the quantity of dope he needed, but it wasn't "good enough". Apparently even though there is heroin on the streets that can kill you fast, there is also that which is pretty low quality as far a potency. It is only because of this that he lived that night.

This picture was taken many hours after he had used everything he had on him, both heroin and meth, in an attempt to die out of desperation and wanting to end this cycle. He feels so alone when he gets high.

I want to make it clear, Sam blessed the posting of this picture out of a willingness to allow me to be completely honest. My mother did not, she is horrified by it and doesn't really want it in the world.

But, my boy is a handsome young man with a smile that can light up my world. If I only only show you those pictures, how honest am I? Would you pick this young man up off the street? If it hadn't been my own son, neither would I.

I post this picture to show just how ugly and vile the heroin world is. Just before I snapped this picture at a stop light, I asked him how he felt. He said he felt "euphoric". I almost laughed out loud and I snapped the picture. To me, euphoria has always been found in adventure and moving my body. Hanggliding, surfing, trail running, and yoga to name a few. I don't understand this type of "euphoria".

However, if I want to do anything in my power to support my son in his recovery, I need to acknowledge and accept the power and pull of this drug. I need to remember that I have no clue what he is going through. My brain does not work this way, but that doesn't mean it's not real.

Many parents struggle with this. They don't understand addiction because they don't have any addiction issues themselves. They often come into our Cornerstone program thinking that their kid has a moral deficit. Hopefully, after they research and sit and listen to other parents of addicts talk (some of the parents are recovering addicts/alcoholics themselves, some are not), they learn this is not the case.

When I drink alcohol, something in my brain says "ok, you've had enough, you have to drive, or get up and work tomorrow". There is always a reason to stop after one or two. It is no big deal. Sam told me once he didn't understand the concept of just a beer or two. It didn't make sense to him, how can a person just stop after they have started? And why would they?

I can relate to addiction more than some of the parents though. I definitely have qualities. My blessing is that I love the ability to sweat and breathe hard and run (slow). That is my addiction, working my body. It has always come before partying. It has always been first. So, as much as his reality doesn't make sense to me, mine doesn't make sense to him either.

Hopefully, now that Sam has another chance at treatment, he will begin to see the other side of life. The side where he embraces sobriety. Last summer, he came home from treatment pretty buff. He had started lifting weights and really enjoyed it. He is looking forward to getting back into it now that he is back there again.

He is at Hazelden now. I checked him in yesterday afternoon. I won't be able to see him again before I fly home tomorrow. They have to be there at least 72 hours before they can have visitors.

This has been the most exhausting week of my life but there was much light as well. I have been enjoying time with my mom, (although she finally bailed on me for breakfast the first morning when it was apparent that I needed more sleep). It was also able to spend time with my dear childhood friend Paula last night. She had me laughing and laughing. I. t was fantastic to have such great evening relaxing. Today, I plan to find my nearest CorePower yoga to take a class. My home away from home. My sanctuary. My mat.

I know this is not a nice picture. I tried to a find nice, pleasant picture of my son on dope but t doesn't exist. Thank you for reading. Love you all.

#nomoreshame