Third time's a Charm

Visit three was different from the first two. It was a day of me finding peace and also of reaching an unspoken treaty with Sam.

I had scheduled the visit last week but decided not to go until I heard that visitors he had expected two days prior had arrived one minute late and were denied access to see him. I heard he was bummed. It seemed like a good opportunity to brighten his day.

Sam had not reached out to me in quite a long time and didn’t know I was coming. Nevertheless, he was glad for a visitor.

We talked for a while before I mentioned that I haven’t heard from him lately. He said he has once again been angry and doesn’t always feel like contacting me. To my surprise, I suddenly felt nothing but love and compassion for my boy.

He is in prison, doesn’t like it there, has a lot of time to think, and he believes that if it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t be there. Perhaps at this time, he actually benefits from believing this.

I, on the other hand, am outside prison, don’t like it here without him, and it helps ME to believe that if it weren’t for me, he’d likely be dead.

Yesterday was a turning point for me, likely because of the podcast I listened to on the drive down. The podcaster (Jay Shetty) had previously been a monk and the mantra he practiced constantly was “don’t judge the moment”.

As Sam and I sat across the table from each other, those words came back to my mind.

Since his incarceration, I have found it nearly impossible to disconnect from my son’s emotions. It has bothered me tremendously that he blames me and goes silent with me for long periods of time. He still calls his dad and his friends, just not me. I now realize that this is just another moment in time for us. History will be the ultimate judge.

It isn’t important that he feel a certain way towards me right now. Time evolves feelings. His biggest job is to behave now so he can eventually be released to a half-way house and then back into the real world. My task during this time is to stay closely connected without judgement.

(This picture taken before life had gotten quite this complicated.)

Even when Sam is annoyed with me, he appreciates (and possibly enjoys) the times I visit. I have also been writing him a series of one-page letters about life. Topics vary from funny (in my mind) to intense and very direct (what heroin has done to our family).

I wasn’t sure how he felt about these essays because he didn’t mention them last time I saw him. Monday, however, he told me he likes getting them ( “some of them” was his quiet after-statement). I didn’t ask which ones because I write them for myself as well. Reading is optional.

His words re-energized my spirit to keep sending my micro-assertations to him. It may be the only time in his entire life that he thinks about what I say. He saves all letters he receives to reread. I am honored that mine are a part of that pile.

I may not always be the person he prefers but I will always be his mom and his number one fan. Only his dad and I have known him since the moment he was born. He was small, mighty, and energetic. He was sweet (at times), rambunctious (always) and was timid of things with masks.

“Scrunchy Face”, “Little Du”, and “Biggest” don’t sound like the nicknames of a future heroin addict.

Life is exactly what’s happening while we are making plans for something different to be happening.

Where there is Life, there is Hope. #Nomoreshame