The Moment My Life Changed Forever

It was November 14, 2022, 12:16 pm. I was in room 301 at the Comfort Inn in Richfield Utah. Spencer's phone chime came in. I had my phone turned off but he is an emergency contact. I had been sleeping for several hours and it took me a few moments to realize my phone was ringing. When I finally picked up, my life came to a crashing halt.

At 12:15 am I was sleeping soundly and dreaming. At 12:16, my heart as a mother was shattered into a billion pieces. Sam was gone. Sam died. They found Sam's body. I will never see him walk through my gate or feel his embrace again. He is gone.

I can't hear him, feel him, converse with him, or laugh at his jokes again. He will never make the tattoo I asked him for. We didn't get around to it. We left so much unsaid and undone. I wanted him to know how much I loved him and how amazing I thought he was. I tried to tell him and there were times I know he heard me. He was such a deep thinker and also too critical of his own thoughts and feelings.

One of the last texts I sent him was to let him know that he should not judge his thoughts and feelings because they are the buffer to his actions. He compared his thoughts and feelings to other peoples actions. He saw the dark in himself but he didn't realize that we all have it. I hate that he never found true joy.

I thought he would love hanggliding and long distance running. We talked about writing a book together. I told him he would be the person I would want to get stuck on a desert Island with. He loved adventure shows and books. One of the worst times in Sam's life was when Steve Irwin died. He never watched The Crocodile Hunter again. It was a painful time in his young life. A big hero was gone.

It is nearly impossible to put my sorrow into words. The hole in my heart. The foreverness of Sam's death.

Some moments, breathing feels nearly impossible. I know his spirit is with me but I miss him so much that I start to panic and feel sick. I future freak. In my mind, I see Sam differently than he left us.

I see him strong, gentle, and happy. I see his innocent smile light up a room. I see a budding tattoo artist that could have supported himself with his work. He made some amazing music. I see our conversations growing deeper and solving the world's problems together. I see him having an aha moment of inspiration to get clean. Then, I remember, none of this will ever happen.

I start to get the pinched feeling in my face, my shoulders tense, and once again I remember, my Sam is gone. My tears start to flow and I sob in misery and regret and emptiness. It can't be and yet it is. He has to be alive and yet he is not. I needed to protect him and I couldn't. I need him here and it is impossible.

Please my son, feel my love now and forever. My love for you will continue to grow every single day, just as it did when you walked the earth.