So Much Sooner Than We Thought...

Last week we learned that Sam was given papers to initiate the work-release program, which he believes will take 6-9 months to process. It appears that his release will be directly to his father’s home rather than a halfway house or jail. I don’t know the details because I haven’t spoken to him directly but I suspect it may be the result of overcrowding in Colorado prisons.

Two visits ago, Sam talked about the real possibility of being in prison until 2026. I don’t know why it sent me into such a tailspin. I was perfectly capable of counting the years myself, I just hadn’t wanted to. My heart sank. The mere thought of 6 more years felt smothering to my soul. Now, with this brand new and somewhat shocking information, it is time to reset my mind again.

A heroin addict’s most dangerous time to relapse is after a stint of sobriety. Often they use too much and overdose. This is really frustrating to me because it’s common knowledge and yet so many of them die that way. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s a bit like drunk driving. Everyone knows it kills but it still happens every single day.

I have been listening to podcasts about staying mindful and present. As a yoga teacher, I am supposed to be good at this skill. Although I talk about it and believe in it, I often suck at tapping into the present moment myself. Instead, I focus on things I have no control over. Probably because I am a mom of a heroin addict and I am crazy. Also because I am human.

I worry about riots and fires and fights while he is in prison. Not to mention the possibility of a tornado, illness, or just frankly just becoming a hardened individual. Will his fundamental self be different after spending more than 2 years incarcerated? And, most importantly, I wonder if will he stay clean when he is released.

Every heroin addict I have talked to, including Sam, will admit that the voice of heroin is sweeter and more alluring than all others. This sentiment has been echoed in each and every article, blog, and book I have read as well. It seems to me that heroin almost provides a sense of nostalgia for addicts who are constantly trying to recreate that elusive first high.

Just like every other incarcerated heroin addict who gets released, Sam will have to confront his past when he is out. Statistically, based on his age, history and duration of his addiction, Sam’s chances to stay sober are slim. However, he has had much time to reflect and mature behind bars and I choose to believe it has made a difference. I think he sees himself as someone who doesn’t belong in prison simply because he has so much love and support out here.

Behind bars, many prisoners are lonely and disconnected. Sam gets visits and letters and money to call people he cares about. He has so much to be grateful and more importantly, so much to live for. He has friends who have no visitors, often because the people who would visit them are also either in custody or on probation themselves. I hope he continues to embrace this love and support and also recognize it is a gift not afforded to all. It is a luxury he should not squander.

As Sam's mom, I don’t see a middle ground for him. If he uses heroin upon his release, one of two things will happen: He will end up back to prison or he will die. Addiction is a progressive disease. The only two outcomes he can progress to from almost dying is either to actually die or to recover. And, as always, I will be the helpless bystander trying to force a mind-meld so I that I can control the outcome.

Presumably, the time for Sam to make the choice will come much sooner than we thought. It won’t just be a one time choice though, he will have to decide to stay clean every single day for the rest of his life. Heroin is like a fat cell. It never goes away, it just shrinks and lies dormant, ready to expand again once fed.

I don’t want to feel excited, but I do. I know I made the right decision when I turned him in but now that he has his GED, I don’t see any more opportunities to grow where he is at and I think it is time for him to move on.

I also don’t want to feel fear, but I do. Sam’s addiction to heroin has caused me to feel all kinds of things I don’t want to. Mainly, it has caused me to feel vulnerable, raw, and frustrated.

Despite my and my family’s heroic efforts, I know that the main reason Sam is still with us today is because of his sober friends (not to mention the stranger who saved his life when he overdosed in the park).

His friends are the ones who have always fed his intermittent desire for sobriety. They are the ones who are able to detach from him in a healthy way. They will also be here to embrace him upon his release. I am so eternally grateful for them and for their parents. Without them or Frank in our lives, I think our story to this point might be so much worse.

In the end, however, it will simply be Sam’s choice whether or not to use heroin again, just as it has always been. And so it goes…

Where there is life, there is hope. #nomoreshame