Slipping Away

May 19, 2018, 11:33 AM

Sam discharged from Penrose hospital in Colorado Springs yesterday. I really hadn't understood how serious his situation was when I first posted on Tuesday, although I immediately suspected he may lose his arm when I saw him. It was huge and hard as a rock and he was hooked up to lots of drugs.

Apparently, when he showed up at the hospital Monday morning, his blood pressure was very low and they were quite concerned. Of exactly what, I am unclear. I have been told by friends with medical knowledge that it sounds like the beginnings of sepsis. He was being prepped for ICU and the doctor suddenly changed his mind and decided to put him on a regular floor. Fine by me, it worked.

His doctor isn't fond of addicts, I do know that. He also told us that things turned out quite better than he expected. I didn't ask him to expand on that. Somethings are better left unsaid. The infection turned out to be strep and it was in his blood as well. We were so relieved it wasn't MRSA. After the infection type was determined, he was switched to a one antibiotic IV for a day or two and then discharged on oral antibiotics.

Sam's arm was still enormous the last time I saw him on Wednesday and he said he still can't bend it completely now. This week has been the most difficult for me to date. I have come to the stark realization that as of Thursday, more than a year after he nearly died of a heroin overdose, he really hasn't changed very much. He still lingers at the edge of the abyss.

The hospital would not write his Rx but would allow us to bring it in. However, Sam chose to withdrawal during his hospital stay rather than allow us to pick up his meds by accessing his safe. It was an interesting choice that his dad and I pondered over and over. It also meant that he became less and less interested in seeing us as his withdrawal symptoms worsened.

For some miraculous reason he has cheated death to this point. I don't believe he has some "divine right" in the world. I know too many parents who have lost children to believe that. Those children would have had that right as well, if it existed. Sam just keeps getting lucky. Many heroin addicts get lucky over and over, and then they don't.

It's like watching a slow motion train wreck occurring right before my eyes. It may be happening slow but the force is too powerful and there is nothing I can do. I am tempted to jump in front of it to stop it but then I keep remembering I am not actually that stupid and I stop myself. So I sit and watch, hoping the impact is once again salvageable.

I felt him letting go this week. I can't explain it but it was excruciating. He was quiet and terse and unwilling to shed any light. All week, I played "what's in the safe?" in my mind. So, I did what any reasonable mom would do in the middle of the night in tears and panic stricken. I started texting him.

I told him not to give up, that his dad and I are not going to "abandon" him and that he has many people praying and hoping for him. I also sent pictures of him as a happy little boy, him with his siblings, and him before jumping out of an airplane last fall. I reminded him that he has known joy and he can know it again. I told him I love him so much it hurts and that we need him.

Its ironic to think that the closer Sam has gotten to flat-lining, the more my own life mirrors that as well. Lower highs and higher lows. Instead of spending the past week crying, I only cried a couple of times. I also effectively worked and enjoyed my sister's company while she was here for my kids. I am used to the boiling water at this point, it doesn't affect me like it used to. For some reason, I have ended up in what I have always believed was the worst place to live, the gray area. It's not all bad I am finding, there is much to be grateful for. Always. Gratitude is and has been my stabilizer through this all.

I didn't actually think of things like this when I decided to have children. I didn't have to, this is not something that would ever happen to one of my kids. No possible way. I guess I was wrong. Of all the God Damn times to be wrong.

Thank you to all who have reached out, this week has been the one I had to completely withdrawal. Every message, private message, and text has been appreciated so much.

Where there is life, there is hope. Love you. #nomoreshame #iwillleavealighton