Relapse

Nov 11, 2017, 4:35 PM

Last night I found that my worst suspicions are true. Sam is using again. I am sorry to most of my family that you see it here. I don't even know that I want to talk about it now. I knew it was a bad sign when he chose to get nitrous oxide along with Novocain at the dentist two weeks ago. I knew right away that his casual attitude was strange. It is well documented. Not a great idea for a recovering addict to use any mind altering drug. The extent of Sam's use at this point is unclear to me but what little I know after talking to him last night is bad enough.

The past two weeks have been very difficult. I knew something was off but there wasn't (and isn't) a damn thing I can do. He denied and denied. My instinct has never been wrong when it comes to Sam's addiction and things didn't seem right. I don't want to sound self absorbed but it honestly seems like whenever life starts to feel good again shit hits the fan. Some days I am so tired.

I want my son to see his own worth and I want him to want to live. I also want anyone who happens to read this who also happens to use with him to know that Sam isn't like you. He can't have one beer, he can't smoke one joint, he can't even have many medications you can. These things will lead him back to heroin and then they will kill him. There is no middle ground with Sam. If you care about him, don't use with or around him. Save it for your own time. If Sam is to survive his heroin addiction he needs to get honest and remember the night he almost died. Each relapse has been worse than the one before it.

It feels strange to write about someone else's relapse in real time but this post is about being the mom of a heroin addict, not about dancing lightly around the subject so as not to offend or piss anyone off. I am offended, I am angry, I feel lost. I am horrified that my son has forgotten he does not have the capacity to be a casual drug or alcohol user. Sam's use ALWAYS goes down hill very fast.

I do not believe Sam ever truly prioritized his sobriety when he returned from Minnesota. It seems like only the Suboxone keeping him alive. I guess that is the point of giving Suboxone to people like Sam. There is hope that Suboxone buys time and that time buys desire or maturity or whatever it takes. It's used to keep him alive while those of us who love him are waiting for him to WTFU and start caring as much as we do.

Today was supposed to be and still was a fantastic day. Sobriety was not a condition of Sam's skydive so we went anyway. No one said anything about Sam's drug use because there is nothing to say. We all know it is happening. Sam knows he will die if he travels down this path again. I know I have no control over his choice. I have to sit and watch and continue doing my life.

I have to work, I have to parent my other children, I have to be there for Sam in case he needs me in a way that I can help. His dad knows he has to decide his own next step now that Sam is using again. Does he kick him out? Does he give him an ultimatum? We talked about how strong we would each be in our respective houses 7 months ago but now here it is, hammer time. Since Sam is living with him he has to figure out how to handle it. I don't judge or envy him right now. Sam knows he is not welcome to live in my home if he is using. Been there, done that, not going back again. Today, we only focused on how cool it is to jump out of an airplane.

I saw a rare.glimpse of enthusiasm in Sam today. I had been having this odd feeling that he was running out of time to skydive. I sensed that it needed to happen before he relapsed and I suspected he likely might due to the signs I was seeing. Obviously I was too late since he had already gotten high again.

I don't know when he started using again and since I don't know exactly what he is using I don't know how much power the adrenaline will have over him. He seemed completely smitten though. I have never seen him like that. Ever. Before his plane took off I told him it would be the best high he ever had. When he landed he said I was right. Will it be enough? Of all the things I have done for Sam's addiction, this is the one that HAS to work. I am out of options.

When I opened up about Sam's heroin overdose and addiction of FB last spring I always knew that things could go very bad again but I chose to post anyway because it helps me and if it helps one other parent to see the struggle they live put into words, it is worth it.

There are so many of us moms and dads painfully navigating our way through our kids' heroin addiction. Many of us hide it from our peers, co-workers, and families because we "have to" (real or imagined). My goal is to keep it real because I can.

Sam did the skydive today regardless of his relapse because it was a birthday present and also because life is short. In the past I would have rescheduled or cancelled. Not today. He is my son and I love him and I want to give him every opportunity to grab onto passion for something other than drugs. Every day is a gift. I have no illusion that time is on my side. That doesn't mean that I don't have hope, it means that I know a lot about heroin addiction.

Despite this gut-wrenching set back I have so much to be grateful for. One of them being that when Sam blew chunks on the way home from the airport he was in his dad's car instead of mine. That works for me. He was always better at cleaning up those messes than I was. I watched the jump video when I got home and I can see why it happened. Big Gnarly exit with some big flips and twists. The jump master knew Sam's story. Maybe he was bringing a little extra excitement to the party.

Thank you for supporting me through this bat-shit crazy journey. I really hate it. I always hoped when I wrote someday it would be about cool things like hiking and running in the mountains, hanggliding, finding a new life and career as an old yoga teacher, or any other of the great things in my life.

I had no idea my writings would be about desperately trying to survive while my son is "trying to die". I apologize for repeating myself if I do. I never go back and reread old posts (not ready to at this point) and I am assuming that if I don't remember what I said before you won't either. Sometimes when I type I will wonder if I have already said the same thing in the past. If you have one of those freaky special memories I apologize.

Where there is life, there is hope. Love you. Thank you for reading. #nomoreshame