My Darkest Day

I started this blog 3 ½ years ago to give a real-time view from the mom of a heroin addict. I would be remiss not to post on this day because it literally feels like the most difficult and heartbreaking day of my life. I don’t know how to deliver news to my son that will change his life forever. How do you tell someone who you love more than life itself that someone they love is gone? I have been through Sam’s heroin addiction, his overdose, his arm infection that nearly cost his life, his arrest, hearings, and imprisonment. These all pale in comparison to having to tell him the person he wanted to see the most in the free world has died.

Sam's dad and I drove to his Camp GW this morning. My face looked like a dying tomato. I have aged overnight. At 56, I can't sob for 4 hours straight without looking like complete shit in the morning. We were certain they would let us have some direct time with him due to the circumstances but we were wrong. Because of Covid-19, all prisons have shut down all visiting, no exceptions. We had to call the prison chief who will deliver the news. He was gracious and kind to me and I am thankful.

It sickens me that I cannot be there to look Sam in the eyes and tell him myself. I want to hug him and tell him I know how much he cared and that he will have incredible support through his family and friends. I want to let him know that I understand why he cared so much and that I know he feels broken but he needs to keep moving forward because we need him. I want to let him know that he needs to honor his friend by continuing his own journey. That is what she would want. Most of all, I want to tell him how terribly sorry I am and how much I love him.

I truly believe their connection pulled Sam forward in life. She showed him things he needed to see, like compassion and boundaries. She was strong enough to dump him when he relapsed and I was so thankful to know that she wasn't going to put up with his crap. A weak woman would be a nail in his coffin. He was very aware that if there was a potential future, it would not involve him using heroin.

Sam will be allowed to make a call or two this morning if he chooses to. I don't know if he will call me, I am sitting by my phone waiting just in case, as is his dad. I told the chief that he will likely act okay but don't believe him, he needs to be watched and supported. I just called back to verify they are watching him closely and that they understand the risk. I was told that there are cameras everywhere and he looks sad.

My heart is broken. There is no greater pain than the pain of your child. Tragedy upon tragedy. A young, smart, authentic, beautiful woman gone far too soon and my own son left to deal with her death alone. A part of Sam will die today and he will never again be the same person he was when he woke up this morning. This part of life sucks. One moment it's fine, the next it has changed forever.

I am a believer in sending energy out to those in need and I graciously ask for your thoughts and prayers to Sam as well as his friend's family. For me, it's time to step onto my mat and breathe long enough to stop crying and find that space of stillness that exists within every storm.

Where There is Life, There is Hope.

#nomoreshame