Mom or Cop?

Jun 15, 2018, 1:57 PM

My boy was arrested in Denver last night. I knew it was coming because I am the one who turned him in. He told me he committed a crime in Colorado Springs that I believe to be a felony. I would like to tell you all that I was on the phone before the words had even finished coming out of his mouth but that is not the case. I was too stunned and shocked and mortified.

I am not sure what is appropriate to say publicly at this point but I will tell you that it was not a murder or rape or another "violent" crime, so to speak. Don't get me wrong, it is as black and white as can be. It was terrible and life altering but no one died. I was temporarily paralyzed with... I don't know what. Being a mom. Being a citizen. I realized quickly that it was too a heavy burden to carry, no way am I covering for him, but there was a definite lapse between the realization and the action.

As I sat on the porch of our tiny little cabin in Moab sobbing last week, I called the police. That was 10 days ago. A huge weight instantly floated off my shoulders knowing I did the right thing but it slowly came back and increased ten-fold as I waited to hear back. In my naive mind, he would be arrested immediately when I reported him. I even knew exactly where he was at the time. In real time, however, I had to wait.

There are policies and procedures as well as crimes-in-progress being dealt constantly. This was my emergency, not theirs. When Sam disappeared on Monday, I was terrified that he was planning to die and praying they would arrest him in time. More importantly, I was praying that no one would die because of him. I was so panicked that my lapse between knowing and calling might end in disaster

Finally, the detectives drove up to chat and show us pictures on Wednesday morning and then issued a warrant Thursday morning. I don't know exactly what Sam actually got picked up for but had it not been for the warrant, he likely would have been detoxed and let free. Now, he awaits court here and then will be extradited back to Colorado Springs.

Sam did this. He set himself up to fail when he decided to go off Suboxone in a way that no doctor would ever recommend because it was nearly impossible. He has continuously rebelled against every bit of help that has been given to him. It has occurred to me how my own fight has evolved over the past three and a half years in regards to Sam's addiction.

In the beginning, I was determined to save Sam from the world. From all those friends who were dragging him down. Then, I realized the challenge was to save Sam from himself. He was his own worst enemy. From there, I resolved to save myself and the rest of my family from Sam's addiction. Heroin was not taking us down too. Finally, I had to stand up and try to save the rest of the world from Sam. He is no longer someone who deserves to function in society until he serves his time and changes his life. You are welcome. I love him so very much but I will not protect him.

I will never forget the day this picture was taken. My kids always dress themselves, even on picture day. I found Sam in the bathroom that morning wearing his little tie and combing his hair. He said "I want Miss Burger (Mrs. Berg, his favorite teacher of all time) to say "YOU look GOOD"..."

He was so serious. He must have had a big time crush on her. She is responsible for his love of reading. Ironically, he will now have plenty of time to reconnect with that former passion. How the hell did we go from that to this?

Where there is life, there is hope. Love you. Thank you for reading. #nomoreshame #iwillleavethelighton