Life After the Overdose

Apr 14, 2017, 2:54 PM

It has been two weeks today since we almost lost Sam to a drug overdose. It is such a beautiful day in Denver today, I love this weather. Had this been the weather two weeks ago my posts might look very different. Although the weather itself could have killed him from exposure it was likely the weather in part that saved him. It was so cold that he couldn't always hit his veins because he was shaking so hard. He literally had hundreds of little needle marks on his hands and arms when he was first in the hospital. When he did hit his veins, things were coagulating because of the weather.

As it was, he still hit his veins enough. Had he not been found and 911 called, he would have died.

If I start to repeat myself, forgive me, I haven't gotten to the point where I can go back and read my old posts. I read each post over and over initially so I can (attempt to) correct errors. Then, after I post, I think "oh crap, I messed up" and I edit it. Then, my 12 year old daughter reads it and finds more errors so I correct those errors and then I drop it and move on. My stomach is in knots right now because I feel like today is the day that I really go back to work. I am feeling so vulnerable.

I have only taught three classes in the last two weeks. I have missed sixteen. Of the three, one was a class I was subbing so I only knew a couple of people. It is so much easier to keep it together when you don't know the people around you. The second class, which I have taught twice in the past two weeks is a new class to me and I am still getting to know the yogis. It is a noon weekday class so people come when they can. It is a little less regular and a bit smaller. Now is when it really begins though. Now is when I begin to see more people I know.

The two classes I teach tonight and the three on Sunday are ones I have been teaching for several years. Many of the people who come to those classes have been there since I have. I have shared bits and pieces of Sam's journey through the last couple of years and they have shared bits and pieces of their own lives with me. We are a community and I know it is going to be hard to walk into each one of those classes.

I won't pretend its not happening, I have never taught a class like that. I try to be honest and teach from the heart. I try to find themes I can relate to and try to pass them on but it feels a little uncomfortable right now, like I have no idea how to do this.

I feel like I will be walking into 5 different rooms of anywhere from 10-30+ people. Each room will possibly contain some of my close friends or even family, some casual friends, some basic acquaintances and likely at least a few complete strangers who don't know me from Adam. The trick is to be open and vulnerable (because that is who I am) without completely freaking out and having a melt down (because that is also who I am). As vulnerable as yoga makes me, it also makes me strong beyond what I ever thought possible. Much of that is because the people I have met.

There is a beautiful woman from our yoga community. I will never forget the first day she took my class. I had never met her before that day but when I saw her name I knew it immediately. She had recently and unexpectedly lost her beautiful young son to a heart condition. I have never told her this (before now) but I could barely keep my composure as I taught that class. I nearly broke down several times that hour.

I was in awe of her strength and her grace as a human being. I didn't know how she was putting one foot in front of the other and how she was able to let herself be so vulnerable by stepping back onto her yoga mat. It is because of people like her that I continue to put one foot in front of the other. It is because of people like her that I know that I will be okay no matter what. My other children will also be okay no matter what. We don't have a choice.

Sometimes I need to remember that. I am a survivor. My other children are survivors. We want Sam to be a survivor too but we can't make it happen, it has to come from him. His own heart, his own soul.

I know that whatever happens during the next five yoga classes will be fine because we have that kind of beautiful support in our studios. I could simply collapse in a puddle of tears and I know I would immediately be surrounded by love. It is because of that that I won't. I have butterflies and I feel nauseous but I know that once I start I will be fine.

Where there is life, there is hope. Thank you for reading. Love you. #nomoreshame