It Has to Start Somewhere

Apr 11, 2017, 3:46 PM

No one wants to be an addict. If they could foresee the hell that they would put themselves and their loved ones through, (as well as many outside their own circle when they lie and steal), they might have made a different choice. When I say that, I simply mean they may have chosen not to use the first time. For many addicts, it is the first time they use that seals the deal. From that time on, they are hooked on disappearing from reality. People talk about gateway drugs. I believe that in Sam's case, the gateway drug was the first one he used. For him, I believe it was alcohol.

He was in 7th grade when he got suspended for taking a thermos with Jagermeister and lemonade to school. I have never tasted Jagermeister but I have smelled it (which is why I have never tasted it) and the thought of it with lemonade seems repulsive to say the least. I forced him to go to yoga with me for a couple of days because I refused to stay home and alter my day just because he got suspended. I thought he was an idiot and had really bad taste but that was about it. I really thought he had learned his lesson. I wish I had been right.

After alcohol, I believe it was nutmeg. I would pick him up from a friend's house and he would reek like nutmeg and Axe. Nutmeg taken in large doses is a hallucinogenic. I don't know the order of everything else but he has literally done everything else, in every way possible. He has inhaled, snorted, smoked, needled and gotten high other gross ways. He is an equal opportunity addict, whatever drug he has the opportunity to get he will use. The best method is the one that gets him the highest. The best drug is heroin, followed closely by meth. I never thought it would get this dark.

A couple of years ago, I mentioned a Facebook group called The Addict's Mom. I had been a part of that group. Shortly after I posted, I left that group simply because while it was full of love and hope, it was also so dark. There was so much about heroin and overdose and jail and death. I thought I didn't need to be there. Sam's problem wasn't that bad. Yes he was an addict, no he would never touch heroin or meth. Since I left that group, the founder of the group lost her son to a heroin overdose. Since I left that group, my own son became a heroin addict. How ironic. How horrible.

I got a call from Dr. Lee today. He is the medical director at Hazelden/Betty Ford in Plymouth. As he started talking, I could tell he was steering me towards allowing Sam to use meds to help with his cravings to heroin. Suboxone to be specific. I told him unequivocally no. No way, no how. Then, he became very stern with me. He told me in no uncertain terms that although it is not the best way, it may likely be the only way at this point. He told me we are running out of time. He told me we cannot look back when it is too late and wish we had tried this one last thing and that it might buy us the time we need to get Sam healthy enough to really work at his sobriety. I told him I had to think about it and call him back.

I called Frank, who is very much against using drugs to treat drug addiction, also referred to as MAT (medically assisted treatment). This is a position which I fully agreed up to this point. Frank told me to clarify a couple of things and then give Dr Lee my blessing if Sam's dad and I are comfortable with the decision. So we did. We are willing to try anything at this point. We were talking last night. I said "We will have to deal with this the rest of our lives." His response was "let's hope we have to deal with it the rest of our lives." I guess he is right. Where there is life, there is hope, Sam can, if he chooses, walk in recovery one day at a time for the rest of his life. Thank you for reading. Love you all. #nomoreshame