In the System (Forever)

Aug 31, 2018, 1:28 PM

No judgement for Sam Wednesday in court, but another delay due to "new evidence". He called me from jail while I was on a run Tuesday night and we had an intense and at times slightly angry conversation. I say "slightly" but I have no idea how mad he really was. He is antsy to get the process going. Our relationship is always one of relative calm, at least since he was in his early teens, and we never really yell. It just isn't the emotion we seem to evoke in one another.

He told me I had no idea how much it sucks in there and I told him I was sure it does and I then asked him to remember what a great time he had been having out here for the past several years. I had to use part of our 15 minutes to force him down memory lane.

I reminded him that the night he overdosed was great. He got so cold he could no longer hit his vein yet he still had enough in him to die if he hadn't been discovered by people willing to help. And, if heroin hadn't killed him, exposure alone would have. I told him that I imagine spending his last birthday in the hospital, with his arm so painful he couldn't even touch it as he recovered from a severe staph infection, was amazing as well. And the hospital bills he incurred while having all that fun are likely astronomical and they are all his. Frankly, he just doesn't understand that where ever he physically is right now, he actually IS in prison and can't escape it. Out here, it's heroin, in there, it's bars.

Ironically, after all the effort we made to be there so he could see us, our boy in orange refused to even glance in our direction. He very intently and specifically would not look. No communication between the parolees and the people in the court room is permitted but a glance is not actual communication and I see it happening all the time.

When I realized he was refusing to look at me I looked away for a long time. I felt like he needed to opportunity to see me there and to be able to look at me without me catching him. I am going to choose to believe he took advantage of that. I can create all the stories in my head as to why he would not look at me but I am just going to ask him next time he calls. He might not call for a while but he will call. He always does.

Sam was adamant when we spoke the night before court that I not to interfere and I do not intend to nor do I have any false belief that I could if I wanted to. After nearly 4 years of this hell, however, I have a right to say something. I have lived it right along side him.

One of my life's motto's is: "You have a right to decide how to behave in life but you don't have the right to decide how others respond.” Sam chose to discard every opportunity given to him. That is not my problem. I get to respond however the hell I want.

The letter I drafted to his lawyer and the judge is not meant to interfere and I am not asking for anything other that they understand who my son is and carefully consider what is best for all involved. This is what they should be doing anyway but I want him to be a human in their eyes and to know that his family loves him. He is my son.

I read an article just this week that 90% of all inmates in federal prison receive little to no outside communication or emotional support from loved ones. That is when I realized that my connection with Sam now means more than ever before, even if he doesn't realize it.

Thank you for caring. Where there is life, there is hope #nomoreshame