I Thought Things Were Different this Time (Unpublished from Dec, 2020)

Between 2020 and recently, I quit blogging about Sam. He asked me to stop now that he was older so I did. I also largely shut down myself, without recognizing it. I wasn't blogging and I wasn't writing much either. I wrote this post after Spencer and Lauryn popped in to Sam's work, right after Christmas in 2020, and discovered him to be really high. Up until then, we thought he was sober. Even though I wasn't publishing posts at the time, I wrote a couple, this was one of them. I didn't add to it or change it so it's not even really complete.

Our family is collectively heartbroken at Sam's decision to use drugs again. He hasn't admitted it but he has told three different versions of the story. He knows how to talk a good talk. Technically, his story could have been true, but it wasn't. He gets so angry at me when I don't believe his lies when he is using. He becomes convinced it is all my fault, which is a tragedy in and of itself.

Many thoughts and emotions have run through my mind in the past few days. I wanted to believe that this was Sam's time to put heroin behind him because I saw a difference in him. Anyone that survives heroin addiction has to stop sometime. Sometimes it really is just one or two rehabs. Sometimes, it's years, many rehabs, prison, and more. However, it is possible to stop. Maybe I just saw what I wanted to see. I always think that If Nikki Sixx can get sober, anyone can. I think I have mentioned him before in this blog, his story makes me believe miracles are possible.

The problem is, if Sam wanted to be sober right now, he would have made a different choice. This is the part that breaks my heart. He chose to use. Even now, after dealing with his addiction for 6 years, we still find ourselves trying to find some tiny morsel of evidence that anything he is telling us is true. We to reason out Sam's bizarre mishaps and misadventures. He is very clever though, he doesn't lie about facts that can be verified, just the gray areas.

Sam is a heroin addict, the moment he starts to use any drug, his life begins to spiral out of control. It happens faster now though. The way his brother and sister describe him the day they saw him high makes me believe he wasn't too far off from an overdose that day. He seemed alert, happy, and healthy just a few days earlier.

Sam is an adult now and we are no longer privy to the details of his life. Therefore, we only know what he tells us and what we collectively decide the truth actually might be. He might not know how tight his posse is out here. We constantly compare notes and updates. He remembers the struggles his dad and I had and he may not realize we have become good friends in our collective effort to "save him." (I know that no one can "save him" but a parent never quits trying.) We can't control his heroin use or his choices but together, we can stand up to him and refuse to let him pull us into his chaos.