Heroin: An Equal Opportunity Killer

Good morning friends. The Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment just put out a report this morning. Heroin related deaths in this state are way up. In 2016, 160 Coloradans died from Heroin overdose. Seventy percent of those surveyed started from pain killer pill use. My Sam came to heroin directly from the streets, like the other 30%. This same survey underscores what any parent who is dealing with this already knows: This drug does not discriminate. To quote the article from 9 news in Denver. "So whether you're white, black, rich, poor, educated or not--this is a problem we should all care about." Amen.

How do you know if you should be concerned about your child? I would say the number one indicator would be who your kids' friends are. (There are plenty of people who read this that walk this battle right now along side me, I ask any of them to jump to agree/disagree or add to that thought). Don't ever believe that your child is the angel among the devils. If you start to go there, educate yourself. Angels don't hang out with devils for long. They may try for a while but they won't stay, they aren't going down with that ship. It is not that they don't care, but they are smart enough to cut ties when they have to. They can't save the addict, but the addict can potentially pull them in.

Sam's sober friends are nothing short of amazing. They are there for him every step of the way but they will absolutely not jeopardize their own sobriety for him. Nor should they. If he gets and stays sober, I would expect the same from him. I will tell him "Do all you can for others in their battle, but your sobriety always comes first. Before any job, relationship, friendship, goal, or dream. If it doesn't come first, it will come last, and you will die."

We just found out Sam is approved for Hazelden. We are grateful beyond words. We hope to keep him in the current holding facility until we fly up to Minnesota. I don't know when they will have a bed, I haven't been able to directly connect yet. It is important to keep him safe until we get on that plane. He already told me that if he is home before he goes to treatment, he would want to use one last time.

Of course he would, he's an addict. I told him he is full of shit.

Who talks to their kid that way? Many of us parents of addicts. We don't talk to our other kids the way we talk to our addicts. We also tell them they are f*king insane. We get so scared and angry we forget how to speak like grown-up educated people. We cave to their level, maybe hoping it will connect with them. I can't see saying "Now Samuel, your father and I just want you to go to college, meet a nice girl, and give us some cute grandkids." Nope, You are full of shit and f*king insane feels a little more authentic to some of us. I told Sam if he uses, I swear to God we will not spend another dime on rehab. I was so mad. Truth is, I don't believe he has another relapse left. I believe the next one might kill him. In fact, I believe the next one very likely will kill him. I am scared beyond words. Last summer we put him on a plane to go up to treatment by himself. He was willing to go. This time, he is also willing. I am going to go too though. I want to (need to) spend as much time with him as I can.

As an addict's parent, it's easy to get self centered too. Your entire focus, as I have said before, is to keep your kid alive. Maybe if you obsess enough about the past, present, and future of your child you can somehow alter the course. If you can just figure out what caused it. Blah blah blah (as Frank would say). It doesn't really matter at this point. A lot of people go through a lot of stuff. Some become addicts, some don't. Many "regular people" who have a relatively upstanding existence also some become addicts, and many don't. I cannot find a rhyme or reason for this epidemic.

A Facebook friend lost her dear mother yesterday and she still took the time to wish me a happy birthday. I thought she was so kind and it made me realize I have checked out. I know I will get back to paying attention to what else is going on in the world but theses periodic plunges into chaos through Sam's addiction cycles throw me off my axis. I know that once I get him into treatment, I can find calm. I can relax a little, pay more attention to my other kids and to my friends, breathe a little, feel peace, or even pretend that this is not our life for a while...

I would die right this minute if I could keep my son alive. I wish it were that easy.

We will by flying to Minnesota tonight or tomorrow, I will keep you posted. Thanks for reading. #nomoreshame