Hell Week in Heroinville

Feb 2, 2018, 2:57 PM

Sam's dad and I gave him the collective ultimatum for living in either house this week. We are done. No more soft place to land. This is his last chance, if he uses he is out. I told him this long ago regarding my home but it has taken Sam's dad a while to get to this point. I understand why and I admit it has been easier sticking with my decision knowing he could still live at his dad's.

It is a shitty place for parents to end up. It feels like it would be easier until its you, believe me. Like a dear friend put it "You might be deciding where your kid will die but you are also deciding where he has the best chance to live". I could not have said it better myself.

We opened up to Sam in other ways that night too. We finally told him point blank that it would completely crush us if we lose him. We asked him to imagine how his siblings would cope with that as well. I told him that in my mind, I couldn't help the messed up thoughts like "would his sibs and cousins be his pall bearers"? It feels horrible to admit, but it is true, my mind actually goes there.

We asked him to imagine losing one of his brothers or his little sister to heroin. How would it make HIM feel? Could he garner any empathy for that? I almost thought I saw a tear. I don't know if parents are really supposed to ask those difficult questions to their addict kids. Guess what? After three years of this shit-storm, almost two years alone of heroin, I get to do whatever the hell I want. There is no appropriate response or right way for me to behave at this point is my opinion. I have said and done it all. I have tried to do it the right way, now I just do it the real way.

Sam feels like he would do better in a sober living house. He felt his best when he was in one up north. Finding sober living is very very easy. Finding affordable sober living that supports suboxone is much more difficult. We all have our opinion on that. Mine is simple: It is likely the only reason my kid is alive right now and I am not willing to encourage him to go off at this point. Too much is at stake: His life.

My attitude was initially "purist" regarding my kid's recovery. That was before heroin, a nearly fatal overdose, and before the medical director of one of the best rehab facilities in the world told me me otherwise. Needless to say, we are only looking into houses that support suboxone at this point, narrowing the choices significantly.

As always, the goal is one breath at a time as we walk forward through the latest storm. Did I mention that heroin is the fucking Devil? I feel like I have said that once, or maybe every damn day for nearly two years now. Sam is incredibly stressed and trying to withdraw from me, just like he always does when shit hits the fan. He knows all is on the line now but I don't know that he understands just how much love he has supporting him. He doesn't understand the power of support. He doesn't understand that I (and his father) would die this instant to save him. If only it was possible.

Once again, thank you for your energy, prayers, and well wishes. To my yoga community as well, the instructors who pick up my classes during a crisis and the yogis who are so understanding and thoughtful when I am gone. Namaste. It takes a village to get through a child's addiction. Thank you for being my village.

Where there is life, there is hope. Love you. #nomoreshame