Grief and Change

After 27 months behind bars, Sam will be relocated to a half-way house today. I have mixed emotions. I am happy and ready for him to be moving forward and yet this change comes just two weeks after finding out his girlfriend passed away. His grief is a heavy burden to carry into a world that will allow him more freedom than he has had in two years. We think we can plan life and then it just happens however the hell it wants to.

I am not convinced that the timing of this transfer is ideal but I do know my son and I am positive that in spite of his loss, Sam has a better chance to survive in the outside world than he has had in years. I have seen profound change in these past few months. When he was arrested two years ago, Sam was an immature 19 year-old heroin addict with no boundaries, no aspirations, and no particular destiny. He was empty and hollow and resentful when he became a convicted felon.

I now see a young man with ideas and motivation. He converses intelligently. He has discovered the magic of movement and works out daily. He is solid and strong in his protected environment. These are the changes I am counting on to get him through this next phase of his life and also through his grief.

To lose the person you most connect with in the world is tragic and unsettling for anyone and I know Sam wants to know what happened but I don’t have the answers for him. Her funeral was private and her obituary did not mention how she passed. I spoke with her father briefly and it broke my heart to hear his pain and I know that ultimately for him, it doesn’t really matter how it happened, just that it did. I know Sam will get his answers someday but for now he will have to live with the unknown.

Obviously, Sam is devastated and mourning in his own way but he seems centered and intent on putting one foot in front of the other. I was shocked to suddenly become aware that Sam is a good writer when he asked me to transfer the letter he wrote to his girlfriend for her memory page. It was beautiful. Every sentence landed. I can’t believe I hadn’t recognized this before. In the focus of keeping Sam alive, his gifts had gone unnoticed. Now, they remind us that he is growing up. His dad and I both agree that we are cautiously optimistic.

Sam’s half-way house will provide room and board and monitoring. He will work outside the facility and pay rent. He will eventually have some visiting privileges too. Of course, all this means access to the outside world. Back to the edge. Back to the unsettling place that brought his sister to tears at dinner last night.

For the past two years, Sam has been somewhat protected from himself and his historically momentous bad decisions. Now, things are becoming real again. Heroin didn’t go anywhere. Sam knows it and I know it too. It will never go away, it will always be knocking at his door. I am grateful for the positive changes I have seen in him because each good decision and thought is another step in the right direction.

Where there is Life, there is Hope.

#nomoreshame

This post is dedicated to the memory of MBG.

Dear M,

I am so sad to see you leave this earth because like so many others, I saw something so special in you. You were wise beyond your years, an old soul, and you were as real as it gets. You stood up to my son and his heroin addiction and you also stood up for him. I will never forget the night you and your dad rescued Sam off the streets of Denver and dropped him off at my home. I will forever be grateful to you.

You and Sam both had your struggles in life which kept you separated frequently but you lifted each other up anyway. I believe that you are the first person my son really wanted to live for and that you brought him through many dark times. I wish I would have stayed more connected with you while Sam was incarcerated. I would have loved to get to know you better.

I will always hold you and your family in my heart and prayers with love and with gratitude.

Angie