Got My Hug

I never thought that one of the best days of my life would involve 7 hours in traffic, three pat-downs, and 4 1/2 hours sitting on a rock-hard chair in what felt like a sub-zero temperature room. I was wrong. My first face to face visit with Sam after more than a year was so much better than I had anticipated.

The first thing I did when ushered to my table was cry. The guard asked "first visit?" My reaction must have been a common one.

When I finally got to hug Sam I could not let go. Screw the 5-second hug rule. I don't think it pertains to moms.

Heroin has created such a convoluted reality for our family that I almost forgot who Sam is. He is a beautiful human being. He is clean and articulate and funny and I cannot imagine my life without him.

A dear friend of mine once told me that people can get disconnected, then reconnected, with their own soul. I could not fathom what she was saying at the time but now I think I understand. For the first time in years, he seemed like a whole person. His eyes had depth. He talked about life in prison and ways he finds meaning.

I had mistakenly believed that prison is a dead-zone of nothingness. I realized that Sam works to stay informed. We talked politics, tools, history, the future, and the family. He told me about the friendships he has developed, the things that stress him out, and how the inmates work together to form a functional community.

It feels like it is time for me to be less fearful and more courageous. Holding onto fear feels self-protecting, as if it will soften the blow of a potential tragedy, but nothing could be further from the truth. Fear promotes anxiety and stress and doubt. It can be useful at times but has no place in day to day life. I am going to let this new-found hope I feel linger for a while.

The visit also settled my concerns regarding the future of our relationship. It was obvious to me that the connection of us will never be broken. He knows I love him. I am his mom and his number one fan. He doesn't agree with every decision I make but he also understands that my intentions are good. It takes maturity to separate the two and I am proud of him.

The only constant in life is change. Sam has been incarcerated for more than a year now. In the beginning, it felt like forever to all of us. Now, we see progress and more importantly, Sam sees it too. Light at the end of the tunnel. A feeling like there will in fact be an end date.

No one ever lives the life they had planned out. One day, heroin played no part in mine and the very next, it became my central focus and biggest nightmare. The fight isn't over by a long shot but Sam looks and sounds better than he has in years. I'll take it.

Always in gratitude. Where there is life, there is Hope. #nomoreshame