From Addict to Felon

Feb 21, 2019, 10:54 AM

I thought the only thing worse than trying to save my heroin addicted son would be burying him but now he is a convicted felon. Not nearly as bad as death, but a life changing event that he can never undo. He has created lifetime barriers to some forms of freedom and travel. He lost the right to vote and will always be banned from certain occupations. I want to hug him, shake him, and beg him to WTFU all at the same time. I am not going to lie, it positively sucks to love a heroin addict and yet I am grateful that he is still alive. Fear is no reason to stop hoping.

Sam accepted a plea bargain for 8 years in the Colorado Department of Corrections (DOC). The law is a funny thing. It was like watching a game of chicken. Neither side wanted to go to trial but both sides held out until the very end. If Sam dots all his i's and crosses all his t's, he could be released to a halfway house in 1 1/2 to 2 years, then free on parole sometime after that. His lawyer told us that he personally struggled with Sam's decision to accept a plea deal because he felt like he could have gotten him off on parole. I told him directly that would have been a certain death sentence for my son. Sometimes being a hero is a really bad idea. In all honesty, if you were to force me to answer which choice is a better alternative, it would be like asking me which arm I would rather cut off. I have no idea.

According to Sam's lawyer, the DOC has a fluid and consistent supply of drugs. I don't know if Sam is actually safer in the system or out in the world but I do know that when he was on the streets, he nearly died twice and committed a felony. For 7 months now, in jail, he is sober and is still alive. So far, it appears that incarceration has given pause to his spiral into hell. Jail is different than prison. Not much drug traffic. It was quite safe for people like Sam. I hope sitting there for 7 months motivates him to stay clean and work towards his potential early release. Honestly, it scares the hell out of me. If he is well-behaved. avoids drugs, and takes advantage to all there is to offer in the DOC (such as education and job training), he has a potential to a fresh start upon release. If he does what he has always done, he will be in there for a long while. As much as I want to control this, it's a good thing I can't. It is up to Sam to recognize that unless he stops heroin, this will be his life until it kills him. I have a love/hate relationship with hope.

Sam is now back in Denver to be evaluated for the best facility for him to complete his sentence. His lawyer believes his will be placed southwest of the springs. Ironically, one of the relays I ran several years ago took us right through the area. I remember telling the team that there were several prisons near by, in case anyone wasn't already aware of them. When Sam is settled, I will be able to visit (and hug) him. I am grateful for the opportunity but hanging out in prisons was never on my original bucket list.

Just like heroin, prisons have always scared me and I never expected to have a direct connection to either. Life is interesting, it never really turns out the way we expect it will. This is another part of Sam's journey that is not really just his. It is also mine, his dad's, his siblings', his extended families', his friends', and everyone else he has betrayed over the years. Even though I would not choose to learn about heroin or visit a son in prison, I embrace the experience because I am his mom.

I continue to share our personal hell with a drug that is killing thousands each year because there is not a compelling reason not to. Family's of addicts often hide in shame and fear. I completely understand that, I did it myself for a while. After Sam overdosed, however I decided it was time to start talking. I don't have a career reputation to protect and my family, including Sam, blessed my writing from the beginning. I also recognized that anyone who would turn away from me or my family because of either Sam's addiction or my writing openly about it was someone I was willing to let go of.

Where there is life, there is hope. #nomoreshame #amomfightingthedragon