Different Moms, Same Demons

May 31, 2017, 1:18 PM

Today marks 61 days since Sam's heroin overdose in March. It feels like an eternity and the blink of an eye at the same time. For an addict, every moment he or she has of sobriety is another opportunity to live. For someone who loves an addict, every moment is a mind screw because you don't ever really know what is going on, you just think you know.

Some addicts struggle more than others at sobriety. Some drugs create a stronger dependence than others. Heroin and prescription pain meds are the strongest followed by cocaine, meth, benzos, nicotine, and alcohol. This is another facet of the alarming opiate epidemic in our country today. These drugs are creating an intensely strong dependence that takes a tremendous amount of energy and discomfort to recover from. I don't blame the medical industry for the opiate addiction issue as so many do these days. I don't blame any entity or person.

This is a national crisis and my family is living it. Who the hell cares how it got started at this point? Many many other families are living it as well. No time to blame. Do I think the medical community needs to get their shit together regarding this growing epidemic? Hell yes, I do. My son didn't come to heroin addiction through the medical community but most addicts do.

I talked to Sam twice this week. This first time he called asking me to send his cigarette rolling machine so they can use it at the house. His contribution while he is living there. It was a Christmas gift from me a couple years ago. Would I get one of my other kids a cigarette rolling machine as a gift? Um, no, of course I wouldn't. As I have said many times, everything changes when your kid is an addict. You start to think and behave differently. You know that cigarettes will take a lot longer to kill your kid then heroin or meth so smoking becomes okay if it helps keep the larger demons at bay.

One of my other kids (who shall remain nameless) got caught vaping at school this past spring. Not weed, just regular vape (it was tested). According to this particular kid, "I am not drinking or doing drugs so I can do whatever I want." According to me "No, that is not actually true". School sided with me and he was suspended for a couple of days.

Of course it doesn't seem fair to my other kids to have a separate and stricter set of rules at home than Sam does but it is what it is. Siblings of addicts or profoundly ill kids always get the shaft somehow. It is the nature of the beast and it is also just life, not always fair. Some kids have to deal with more than others. Many of those siblings grow up to be stronger and more resilient because they have to be. I am sure some also suffer with issues because of the chaos the illness or addiction creates. I prefer not to go there at this time. One thing at a time, I am doing the best I can.

Sam's second call was a real actual call just to chat. It was probably one of the most profound conversations we have had. He sounded so normal and so good. (Mind screw: Did he really or did I just imagine it?) He was calling from an AA convention in St Paul. He was about to start security guard duty as part of his service work (something they take seriously in the 12 step program, giving back). He also shared with me something that he was nervous to tell me about. (I won't say what it is, that would be his story, not mine). I just listened and said "I hope you always put your recovery first". He agreed that it is the most important thing.

I hope Sam continues to think from the upstairs floor. I also filled him in on the latest developments regarding his cousins' half brother who is in the fight of his life dealing with stage 4 brain cancer. Sam told me he would pray for him. Sam has never said he would pray for anyone. He has told me in the past that he does not feel empathy for others. I hear this is true of many addicts. I felt hope and it warmed my soul because it is a sign of empathy and I know that the other young man's family has been praying for Sam as well. I can't help but believe that offering to pray for another suffering human is a step in the right direction no matter who you are.

Sam also told me he has a job interview at a pizza place this week. I just said "cool, let me know how it goes." Inside I am nervous because the last job he had at a pizza place didn't end well. It was also the only job he has ever had. I wish he didn't have to work in the restaurant industry as it seems to have a higher rate of drug use but his options as a high school drop out are limited. I hope this eventually motivates him towards furthering his education and training and thereby increasing his choices. Regardless of where Sam chooses to work or live, it is and will always be his own responsibility to choose sobriety.

My son did not choose to become an addict but he can make the choice to abstain from mood altering substances one day at a time for the rest of his life. In making that choice, he can save his own life. The fact that there is choice involved on any level gives me hope and also pains me to no end. Many of us from our little town of Alexandria Minnesota are following the posts of LBH day by day as she updates us as much as she can render the strength and energy for in her son's battle against brain cancer. We (I know I am not alone by a long shot) wake up every day and instantly check fb for an update. Not only is she a gracious and beautiful soul but she is also the loving step mom to two of my nieces, someone my entire family deeply respects, appreciates, and loves.

I want so badly for her family to have the choice at life that my son has. They don't have a choice, it is up to God and a miracle. I want so badly for my own son to make the correct choice. That is the miracle I need. He needs to choose sobriety every single day for the rest of his life. I am sitting here watching each of our stories unfold day by day and I feel so painfully powerless over both because I am. It seems ironic and sad to spend time trying to convince a human being not to die when there are so many others fighting so hard to live. I have talked about this perspective before and the guilt and angst I sometimes feel because of it. The last time I talked about it, however, it wasn't as close to home as it is now.

The thing that makes my fight normal is that I am a mom who almost lost my son to a heroin overdose. His life flashed before my eyes that night. We fight for our kids, its what we do. There is nothing that will light the fire under the ass of a mom like the desire to protect and save her child. The mom of an addict is exactly the same as any other mother. My son did not start out as a heroin addict, he started out an adorable little boy, just like all of our sons do.

I will never give up on my son, I will fight for him every day for as long as I have the chance. I will continue to share my story as the mom of a heroin addict because it is an important story for me to tell. I am proud to be my son's mom and grateful for his 61 days of sobriety and continued chance at life.

Where there is life, there is hope. Thank you for reading and your continued support and prayers on behalf of my son. Love you. #nomoreshame