Crooked Path to Recovery

Apr 21, 2017, 3:14 PM

If I was to trace Sam's path to recovery, I cannot imagine what it would look like. A big mess. A really f*king big ugly mess. Recovery is not linear. This can be a drag when your kid is an addict.

In the beginning it is easy to get really hopeful with every possible sign of sobriety and growth. Soon though, you come to know the struggles they are having. Everyone in recovery has them. Some are able to maintain sobriety through their struggles but even their path is not direct.

While they may not relapse, they may come dangerously close, especially in the beginning. Many toy (actual thoughts or momentary flashes) with the idea of using after months and even years clean. Some (many) do eventually relapse, often over and over again. Every person's line to finding sobriety are different but they are all crooked in one way or another.

The longer Sam has been trying to get sober the shorter, more intense, and life threatening his relapses have become. This is one of the side effects of hanging out in a sober group and also of going through treatment(s). He can never unlearn the knowledge he has been given. He can never forget the joy he has felt or the true friends he has known only during sobriety. That is one of the reasons his relapses have become so dark.

He feels an incredible amount of shame and hopelessness. He used to just not give a shit. He didn't care that he was lying to and stealing from people that loved him and believed in him. Now he cares. Now he is desperate. He doesn't want to use. Then, in an instant, he DOES want to use and unless he decides to pick up the phone and reach out, he will use. Or, as Dr Lee tells us, picking up the phone might not be enough for him. If we give him another opportunity to make that choice, it may be the last time he will ever be able to make that or any other choice again. Once he starts, he won't stop. We have to pull all the stops to try to prevent that from happening whether he makes that phone call or not.

The moment he gets a mind altering substance into his body, everything changes. It's literally "Balls to the walls, let's do this thing" for him. He becomes obsessed with getting more and more and more. Then the shame sets in. He says "screw this crap", to himself, (likely in a more colorful way than that), and just keeps shooting. The last two times he has used he has tried to overdose and die. That is one of the doctor's reasons that he classifies Sam as "acute".

I spoke to a close friend of Sam's yesterday. I was told that Sam has said that after making the decision to end his life three weeks ago, he thought to himself "Oh crap, I don't think I really wanted to do that." It was too late at that point, he had used or wasted all he had. I am so glad that he was found and survived and I can't help but to think of the many others that likely had that same thought after shooting too much dope but weren't found in time.

This is one of the biggest issues with the drugs young people are dying from these days. Relapse is normal but relapse from some of these drugs can be deadly. At Cornerstone, we say "God draws straight in crooked lines." Even though Sam's relapses have gotten much worse, I see signs of growth too.

Sam seems to be coming to terms with just how extreme his situation really is. At the airport on our way to Minnesota last week he said that it was hard to believe that he has gotten to this point. The point that if he goes back out and uses he likely won't survive. At least he has verbally acknowledged the severity of his addiction. I want to say it scared the hell out of him and woke him up but I really don't know if it did. He has never once, in all this time, tried to deny that he has a problem with drugs and alcohol.

Prior to his overdose, his stance has always been "yes, there is a problem" and "yes, I will continue to use". So, even though I think he is desperate and wants to live at this point, I have been on this bus long enough to know that I really don't know anything regarding Sam's true thoughts and intentions. I have also been here long enough to know that I can only focus on being healthy myself. Just as Sam's life is a shit show, so is my own.

My goal is to not only survive but also to thrive as a woman, mom, daughter, sister, yoga teacher, friend, (slow) runner, and human being regardless of my son's addiction. I can't control this ocean but I can learn to sail in it for as long as I have to.

Today, I have to accept that Sam's recovery is a jagged process. My greatest hope is that he has a chance to experience a great and fulfilling life. Where there is life, there is hope. Thank you for reading. Love you. #nomoreshame