Certainty is an Illusion

Dec 16, 2017, 7:56 PM

Three years ago, almost to the day, I made a decision to confront Sam's drug addiction. At that time, I had no idea if he was even an addict but I knew something was wrong. I had recently discovered a few things that didn't completely freak me out because I was a teen once too. When Sam readily admitted that he no longer cared about anything and intended to use drugs and alcohol as he wished, however, I realized I had to do something.

As a parent, it is so easy overlook the obscure signs and ignore those nagging doubts that something is off. We want definitive and specific information before we act because we don't want to disrupt our kids' lives. We don't want to overreact and appear the fool or make them think we don't trust them. I had all those thoughts and feelings too but something told me to act quickly. I knew that if I was wrong I could bounce back but if I was right time may be of the essence.

For the past three years, I have watched Sam's addiction to drugs and alcohol spiral into numerous relapses, intravenous drug use, and a nearly fatal heroin overdose. I sit and watch helplessly as my own son fights for his life (or goes out and sticks a needle in his arm, which ever it is that day). As far as I know, he has over 4 weeks clean now. I have no idea if heroin will win in the long run but I am grateful that he still has a fighting chance. I am grateful for my bonus Thanksgiving with him and I am hopeful for a joyful Christmas as well.

Through this experience, I have learned that time, security, and certainty, are only an illusion. We often feel like we have all three only to be betrayed, lose a job, get sick, lose someone we love, etc. I lost this vision of my life long ago and it has brought me closer to peace. I know I can't save Sam, I just have to hope that he will save himself. I can love him and support him but that is all I can do.

Life is short. Things that I used to think were important aren't anymore. I hear the stresses of some parents: Will their kid do well in school? Will their kid pick the "right" college? Do they keep their room clean? Do their homework? I am not saying those things aren't important, they just aren't important to me anymore. I just want my kids to be kind, healthy, happy, and support themselves. My list of expectations is very short.

I hate that my son is a heroin addict but I am thankful for the many great people I have met along the way. I have had the opportunity to connect with some of the most amazing and dedicated parents I have ever known. I will always think of the Cornerstone moms as some of my dearest friends. There are many people in my life who have shown me strength, support, and a big dose of honesty/reality when I have needed it. People I would have crumpled without. Thank you.

As always, in gratitude for all that I have I find peace. Every day is a bonus. Where there is life, there is hope. #nomoreshame