Broken System

Jun 28, 2017, 12:21 PM

Today Sam gets to wake up to the gift of life. Eighty-nine days ago he almost lost that gift when he nearly died of a heroin overdose. This must be why he is planning to get his first tattoo tomorrow, to celebrate 90 days. He and I have been texting back and forth about it. Him "Hey, I am getting my first tattoo next week." Me "Cool, can't wait to see it!" Him "I thought you would try to talk me out of it." Me "I have learned." I have had my tattoo speech prepared in my mind for years. Since tats are not really my thing, I knew that I better plan what to say if my kids decide to get one. "It's forever or extremely painful to remove. Are you SURE you really want it? Will it look good when you are old and wrinkled?..." I guess I will save the speech for my other children. The fact that Sam is alive to get his body inked up is a miracle. Priorities.

This week I have been in contact with two moms who may be starting the process of dealing with addiction in their kid(s) and I have been reflecting back to the beginning of this journey my family has been on. It is a really scary process to begin. It is like standing at the edge of a cliff. There is a monster running at you but it is tethered to a tree. You are not sure how long the tether is and you do have a parachute but do you really have to jump or not? How long do you wait to decide? What if you jump but the monster wouldn't have reached you anyway and it was not necessary to jump after all? And if you do jump, will your parachute open? It is scary shit no matter how you slice it.

I recommend that if have any inkling that your kid is on drugs, especially if they are a minor, you jump. I also recommend that if your kid is over 18, using illegal drugs or alcohol, you play balls to the walls and pull all financial support. It is not your job to support an adult addict. It is excruciating, I know. Both Sam's dad and I are at that point. When Sam returns he is 18. If he chooses to live with one of us, he has one chance only between the two households

I remember the night we decided to take action on what we thought was potentially a problem with Sam. I say "we" but I have to be honest, I was the first one to initiate the process. I say this not because "Go Angie!", but because I am reminded that rarely are both parents on the exact same page in the beginning and this is normal. We don't marry a partner who thinks exactly like we do, we marry one who fills in other areas to help partially complete the puzzle. It only makes sense you likely aren't going to feel exactly the same way.

If you are in this boat right now, hang in there. Don't give up because you can't get the other parent on board immediately. They will likely come around. Keep moving forward. I will say that we got Sam into treatment very very early in his addiction and it was still almost too late, to this point. We are not now, nor will we ever be, completely in the clear. So, even though I was the initiator and maybe Sam's dad didn't see what I did in the beginning, he came along with us. We have not always been on the same page. I have been much more active in Sam's recovery program than his dad has. This is also common. It isn't ideal but it is common. The truth is that I am much more comfortable around people and groups and dealing with issues. The night we almost lost him changed everything though. I can honestly say that we are completely in agreement with everything now. We just want our son to live.

Sam was walking to his best friend's birthday celebration the night I made up my mind to take action. He was 15 1/2 years old. I drove up next to him, pulled over, and told him to get into the car. We picked up his dad and drove to the ER. This was the day after he had shared with me that he didn't care about anything and intended to keep using whatever drugs he wanted. He was at that time using a few different things.

My main concern was those nasal inhalers that come in the little tubes (he ate the cotton inside). I am not sure what else he was using besides alcohol and pot. His list of drugs was short at the time but I was concerned he might be a suicide risk. I was also guided to go that route by someone in the system. I had been frantically trying to place Sam in rehab but as a minor his options were very limited. Even the places that I was given by his insurance company didn't actually take minors. To say that I was completely alone trying to navigate this process is an understatement. There was literally no one to turn to. I was told that if I truly thought he was a risk the ER was the best route because he would HAVE to be placed somewhere. This was not actually true. It was truly a shit show.

We stayed for hours, Sam acted like an angel and I appeared somewhat crazy. I refused to leave until they found somewhere for him to go. They brought some resources for me to call and gave me a phone and I started to make phone calls. I think they were just giving me something to do while they figured out how to get rid of us because at 9 or 10 (or 11 perhaps) on a Friday night, who the hell is going to answer the phone? This is where the story changes though because Frank did.

Frank answers the phone on Friday nights because he knows that addiction doesn't work on a normal schedule. Freaky parents call and text him all hours of the day and night and he answers. Frank was our life line. I truly love that man, he is a gift to so many of us. I made an appointment for Monday morning. I was relieved beyond words. Something in Frank's voice and demeanor told me he gets it. I was right.

Back at the hospital, however, we still had to find somewhere to short term place Sam until Monday. Even though he didn't appear to be at risk and said he wasn't going to kill himself I was concerned. The hospital then gave us an address to take him to. Interestingly enough it was within a couple of miles from where we all lived. They said this place had beds and took minors overnight for short term holds. We had never heard of this fantastic resource. Wow we thought, this is great news! So we left the hospital. (Boom, they had just accomplished their goal of getting rid of us).

When we showed up at the facility they recommended, we were quickly told that they have no beds. It is not an overnight facility at all but rather just a daytime short term facility. This was followed up by a short session with a militaristic bitch shouting at my kid to "scare him straight". It was a truly wretched pathetic waste of a night with one beautiful amazing exception: our connection with Frank and Cornerstone program. Sam also shared later that he saw just how much we truly care about him that night as well as the lengths we were willing to go through. He really hadn't seen anything yet though, as we would come to find out over the next 2 1/2 years following that night.

The beginning is so scary. It is a world most of us never thought we would be a part of. It is admitting there is a crack in your life. It is opening your mouth and uttering words that you can't unsay. It is ok though. The truth is, if you are at the beginning of the journey, you truly don't know if your kid is an addict or not, you are merely taking the first steps to find out. You may be wrong but you would rather be wrong than too late. I was right, I was early, and I was still almost too late.

Truthfully, only time will really tell. And, it can get better, it can be beautiful. For today, Sam continues to thrive one day at a time. He sounds positive and energetic. He sounds like he is starting to really care about life and people. He called his dad on Father's Day. When he heard his little brother wasn't there, he sent him a "get your ASS home text". Shortly thereafter, his little brother showed up at home. I know their dad was very pleased. He wouldn't have made a big deal about it but he was grateful for what Sam did. It goes to show that Sam's role is important in our life. He is the family smart ass. The funny and relaxed one. He is the one we miss and hope for so desperately now.

Today, Sam's sobriety continues to strengthen him as he is learning to navigate life as a young adult.

I am grateful for his willingness to embrace his new life. I love him so very much and I know that he has so much to offer the world. My hope is that he continues to recognize this gift of a second chance of life that he was given by strangers in a park on March 31, 2017.

Where there is life, there is hope..Thank you so very much for reading and your continued well wishes and prayers and support. Love you all. #nomoreshame