Bargaining With a Heroin Addict

May 21, 2017, 8:50 AM

This past Thursday, while the peers he entered high school with nearly four years ago walked for their diplomas, Sam began his three month intensive outpatient rehab for heroin addiction in St Paul, Minnesota.

Let me be clear, Sam is an addict without discrimination. He will take any mind altering chemical into his body. I told Frank once that Sam would eat dog shit if it would get him high and he has long since told me that is one of his all time favorite lines. However, heroin is Sam's drug of choice. Heroin is the drug that almost killed him. If he wasn't using heroin he would absolutely be using something else. If he wasn't using heroin (and meth) we might have more time.

A person can be addicted to pot. They might become very stupid and lazy but they likely aren't going to kill themselves (directly from the drug). Will they progress to harder drugs? No one knows until it happens. Some do, some don't. This is why I mention the name of the drug when I write about Sam. People are addicted to different things. Some are more dangerous than others. His particular passion towards heroin is largely what makes his case so dire.

People are dying from heroin as never before. The problem with heroin is that it has hit epidemic levels and the majority of the crisis stems from the medical field itself. As I have said before, however, this is not Sam's case. Maybe it feels slightly more honorable when it begins due to pain management or does it even matter? Regardless of how he got here, he is settling in to his new surroundings for at least the next three months.

Sam transferred to his half way house, as planned, the day after his 18th birthday. He turned on his phone the minute he could and for the first couple of days was in close contact with his dad an me. Then, nothing. I am assuming all is well or I would have heard something. I think. Would I, now that he is 18? I am sure I would, likely not immediately though. He is an adult, after all. Too bad he isn't great at calling. I think it is due to the combo effect: part guy, part teenager, part addict. Guys of any age should know right now that regardless of reason, it is never ever okay to ignore your mom when she calls or texts. Any other female, that is your gig, but don't ever ignore your mom. Especially if you have already put her through holy hell in the first place. And you all have, addict or not. Nevertheless, the first couple days of hearing from him were nice. I tried to think of how I could bargain with (control) him. I want him to promise me he won't disappear again. I know I can't get that promise, so I tried to "make him an offer he can't refuse".

I told Sam I am giving him a skydive for his 18th birthday when he gets home. He thinks that is cool. He thinks I am a cool mom. He doesn't know that I am really just a desperate mom, trying to throw the dog a bone. "Come home to me and I will give you (hopefully) the best high you have ever had." I want him to experience an intense (REAL) high, just to know its out there. He doesn't have to stick a needle into his arm to get high, he can just jump out of an airplane. I would also like him to start running, especially after the epiphany I had this week while on my first run after several months off.

I remembered last summer when I visited Hazelden/Betty Ford during family week while Sam was in treatment. They had an exercise facility which the residents had to "level up" to use. They were also very restrictive in how much the kids could exercise. They were very concerned about cross addiction. I understand the premise, particularly if they treat patients with eating disorders but my son doesn't have an eating disorder, he is a heroin addict. It stuck me like a lightening bolt. How do we get from limiting exercise to prevent cross addiction to advocating long term (potentially lifetime) Suboxone use?

Whatever the reason, maybe it is best for now simply because Sam doesn't really express a huge desire to run, (although he has began dabbling). Maybe if he can tap into the love I have of hiking and running and yoga and honestly anything that I can do to move my body, he would connect to the passion. One of my goals is to do a 100 mile ultra marathon. If Sam ever decides to become a distance runner, I will fully encourage him. I will tell him to run for hours if he wants. As long as he can pay his bills and live a productive life, just run. There are many ultra runners out there who are recovering addicts. It seems to be the answer for some.

I believe each recovering addict has to find their own journey out. There are many avenues, not one that is right for all. My hope is that Sam comes to his own passion for life, whether it is extreme sports, running, religion, love, or anything else, it really doesn't matter. There is something for him if he hangs on long enough to find it.

Today, I continue to walk in gratitude that Sam has been given another chance at life. I will continue to do my best to offer him glimpses of other ways of life.

Thank you for reading and your continued words and support through this journey. You have lifted me. Where there is life, there is hope. Love you. #nomoreshame.#Samifyoureadthiscallyourmom