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May 24, 2018, 11:54 AM

I would like to say that Sam immediately came home when he was kicked out of his sober living house but this is not the case. He spent a couple of nights in a shady hotel room with other druggies and dealers and one night on the streets alone before his meager belongings got stolen. So much for the "fear" and "wanting to be sober" he had talked about. He forgets so easily.

He and I had actually been texting randomly since he got kicked out. I knew exactly what he was doing and it really made me angry but I was unwilling to have those discussions. I did not want him to cut me off. We just talked every day stuff as a heroin addict.

"Hey how's it going? Which drugs are you taking? Just heroin or meth too? Anything else? Are you taking your antibiotics?" Questions like "AYOOYFM?" Or "where are you getting money to do this" caused him to clam up. I really needed to keep a thread of connection with my son so I also told him about things like the day I found out I was pregnant with him and how excited we were. I was pretty lame as I tried to text things that might mean something to a person high on heroin and meth. It felt like a waste of time but it did keep him conversational to some degree.

We texted that we loved each other every day. I knew that if I was saying one last thing to him, I wanted that to be it. I think I must have felt a bit like Rob Hall's wife while she was trying to convince her husband to stay alive on Everest. The difference is that he didn't have a chance. My son has every chance. That feeling alone fuels my ire at times. The other difference is that while she was heightened and freaked out, I am monotone and partially dead in side. I was like her in the beginning, now I am used to it. Perhaps also her husband wanted so badly to live and heard her words. My son doesn't give a shit when he is high and doesn't care if he lives or dies.

When Sam texted that his stuff was stolen I knew he would likely want to come home. Although I intended to keep my side of the bargain, I was pretty angry. How dare he get kicked out, and, knowing that he once again has somewhere to land, binge use with complete strangers, yet again risking his life.

I was also angry with myself. I should have insisted he come up immediately and protected myself from this loophole. He thought he was reassuring me when he told me he wasn't shooting into his infected arm. This obviously means he was using his non-dominant still-healing arm to crap shoot a vein in his one good arm. Insanity at its best.

Sam's dad picked him up at a Home Depot in the Springs where he had lingered outside for hours yesterday. He was that guy that mothers would likely try to shield their children from. When he arrived home, he looked gross. That is an understatement.

He had scabs all over this face and his arms are full of needle marks. I didn't have any of the motherly feelings that would inspire me to say "thank God you are alive boy, hug me tight". I told him I was glad he was alive and to go straight to the shower and then put his clothes in the laundry room. I would have had him wash his clothes himself but I don't want him touching my new washing machine.

He was very high. Jittery and restless but not unkind. I was shocked how 4 days on the streets could ravage his body. He was willing to listen but I wasn't willing to talk much, not when he is lit. It isn't worth my time or energy. I will remind him of the rules today. He showered, ate a bit, and went to bed. His little sister slept in my room last night. She wanted to be closer to me.

Sam has never raised his voice to us or scared us and has rarely been even slightly disrespectful to me. Even at his worst and highest. Any time he has crossed that line he has apologized almost immediately. Of course, stealing our stuff and taking advantage of his family in ways that serve his addiction is terribly disrespectful but he has always been quite mellow and we don't fear him. Still, I don't feel the way I want to now that he is in my home. I am glad that I will be gone part of the time and even more fortunate that his little sister has lots of travel plans during the time he is here. I hope he can measure up and follow the rules.

As I told him last night, 30 days starts today. I also told him I would let him sleep in longer today. He needs sleep to heal his scary looking face. I wouldn't hire him looking like he does. His first meeting will be tonight and he will be applying for jobs online today.

I honestly have no feel for how this is going to go. It may be complete bullshit as it has been in the past. I know that he wants to be clean. Every addict does. They hate the way they live. But to "want" it means fighting for it even those times they feel like they don't. They truly "want" to be sober in one moment and then "need" to get high in the next. It is a very painstaking and difficult cycle to break.

I don't know what it takes. I do know that I have heard of people far worse that Sam suddenly waking up one day and deciding to be clean. As I have said many times in the past, the biggest issue with opioid addiction is that it often doesn't afford it's victims that chance. It generally works so swiftly that the person using doesn't even see it happening. Its grip so powerful and merciless that it has become the leading cause of death in our nation of people under 50.

There there is life, there is hope. Love you. #nomoreshame #iwillleavealighton #pleaseWTFUSJK